April Fools Day Friendly Fire!

I like pranking. I don't like being pranked but I like pulling them. This year I will be pulling some friendly pranks of my family. Why? I'm glad you asked....


It all started on a snowy day in December. I am not a fan of snow. I don't think it's cute. I don't make snowmen and I just made my first "good" snowball at the age of 29. Seriously, don't like the stuff. Well, my dear loving family and neighbors lured me outside one day by using my sweet little girl. I remember it like it was yesterday. She came in the house and said "Mommy, can you come play with me" then used the puppy eyes I taught her to use on Daddy. Traitor! As soon as I come outside I was snowed from 3 different angles. OOOOOH but that wasn't the worst part...They put a snowball down my back on the inside of my coat! What the what?!


Fast forward back to present day. I have let bygones be bygone so I will not retaliate with anything bad but I will have a little fun. ;  )

This year no foods are what they seem. The moral of the story, don't bite the hand that feeds ya!

April Fools Day Menu

Breakfast: 

Eggs over easy

Toast

Fresh fruit

Lunch:

Grilled Cheese

Peas and Carrots

Beverage:

Gatorade

There are other nutritious things that they will eat in the day but these are the things I have cooked up just for them.

Breakfast:

What they see: eggs over easy, toast and some fresh fruit. 

What they get: vanilla yogurt, apricot half, toast and gummy berries (just a few)

What you will need for this prank:
Vanilla Yogurt
Apricot or peach halves
Harboro Gummy Berries
Toast
Spoon


To make the eggs spread a dollop of Vanilla Yogurt on a plate to represent an egg yoke. It is very important not to use any fruit yogurt so that there are no fruit chunks on the plate. Next you will place one apricot half on top. Don't make it perfect. Eggs aren't imperfect. Side this with real toast and just a few berries. We don't want to overload 'em on sugar, do we? The best part about this is, other than the fake berries, this can be a pretty good breakfast.

These are not my pictures. I will not make this until the morning but this is what it will look like

This will be the hardest meal to pull off because my husband doesn't eat eggs. I may have to let him in on the joke before hand. 

Lunch:

What they see: Grilled Cheese, Peas and Carrots

What they get: Pound cake, orange icing, starbursts and skittles

What you will need for this prank:

Massive bags of Skittles and Starbursts

a knife and cutting board/ culinary shears

sandwich bags

For the peas, simply sort the green candy out of the large bag of skittles

Next, open each starburst and cut it into quarters.

When you are finished, combine the starbursts with the skittles and voila! Peas and Carrots. 

Preparing the grilled cheese was a bit more involved. I took a shortcut buy purchasing a pound cake. I honestly suggest having your cake in a loaf shape if you attempt this. I was working with a short deadline so I took what I could get. 

For this prank you will need:

1 pound cake

grill/griddle/pan

whipped icing (spreads and mixes easily)

food coloring (see package directions for orange)

something to stir the color into the frosting

While your grill/pan heats up you can mix the color into your frosting. Make sure to follow the directions on the package. I used 5 drops of yellow and one drop of red.

as a last step, I compared the color to the cheese we had in the fridge. The color looks good.

Next slice your cake. try to make it as straight and consistent as possible and lay directly on your hot surface. Other sites have suggested adding butter but I found that the cake had enough oil in it already so I did not add any more.

If you use a grill like I did, you will get these realistic looking lines. Cool effect! 

 Next spread your colored icing to the non grilled side. Make sure ice completely to the ends to give the "cheese spilling over the side" effect. TIP: don't get too excited and ice before the slices cool down. I got a slippy slidey mess because I was overzealous!

Lastly, every grilled cheese needs to be cut into triangles- so do it. 

Beverage service:

What they see: Gatorade

What they get: Jello

This last one is just as simple as the others. If you can make Jello you can do this. Follow the directions on your package BUT pour your liquid into sports bottles.

For this prank you will need:

1 large bowl

Boiling water

cold water

sports bottles

one large container for the sports drink if you do not want to waste it.

Jello mix

1 funnel

Open your new bottles of sports drink and empty into your large container if you want to keep it.

Mix your Jello by the package directions. I chose orange to match the label...but then I mixed too much hot water and had to use my reserve strawberry mix.

Here are the directions in case you threw out your Jello package in haste.

After mixing your Jello use your funnel to get the liquid into the bottle. 

Refrigerate overnight. I will be taking this to my family Jiu Jitsu class tomorrow night as well as bottles of water for everyone. Okay so my revenge isn't so mean but it sure will be entertaining for me. I will post reactions tomorrow!

Monster Mouth Britches

My daughter runs holes in her jeans like it's her job. She has this strange idea in her head that she does not need to change pants when taking her martial arts classes and instead just puts her gi pants on top. as a result I get these jeans worn completely through the knees. I decided to find a few ways to fix these holes rather than tossing them. This is fix number 1: Monster Mouth Britches.

To start this fix you will need:

Jeans worn in both knees (you can do one but I think two look better)

two sewing needles

1 spool transparent thread 

1 spool of upholstery thread

1 strip of colorful fleece the width of your hole. I used 1 inch strips and they do stretch a little.

1 strip of white stiff wool fabric for teeth

buttons for eyes

scissors

pin cushion

First, cut out any loose strands that are in the hole.

Measure your fabric length for the hole. Tip: Fabric stores may give you a sample of fabric for free. Joann's sample size is 1 inch wide. More than enough for this task.

 Turn the jeans inside out and prepare to stitch with transparent thread. I prefer the transparent thread in this project because it is very forgiving to sloppy lines and stitching since holes in jeans can be inconsistent in shape and size.

 after you are finished stitching the fleece to the jeans with your transparent thread turn the jeans right side in and this will be what you see.

 The next part takes a bit of imagination. now you need to form your monster. Use your white firm wool to cut out teeth. They do not have to be perfect.

 Place the teeth inide of the monster's mouth to choose the placement and when you are satisfied sew it in.

 I also chose to secure the long teeth to the bottom of the mouth as well just in case. I have a feeling that the teeth could curl after washing. I'll be sure to update after the first wash.

 I guess he wanted to help. He just knocked all of my buttons off of the table. Shoot!

 Secure your buttons over the mouth. I used the upholstery thread for this. I originally intended to make some Frankenstein like stitches but decided against it.

 Tip: It helps to cuff the jeans to make it easier to secure the buttons.

 This monster is a girl so I made her a bow. Using thread with a knot in the end, pinch a round inch of fabric together and sew through middle to sinch. After it's through the bow, take your needle through the opening before the knot and pull tight. Do it twice for a secure hold. Do not cut the thread. Now, take the needle and sew onto monster's head.  

Sew the ends down so they stay flat.

 And here is your monster!

 Follow the same directions for the other knee if necessary. My second monster only has two teeth and no bow. 

And there you have it, Monster Mouth Britches, Fix #1 for holes in jeans.

Southern Slang Translated

Phaedra Parks- a Southern Belle- lookin sharp honey!

This post has nothing to do with Ms. Phaedra other than being about Southern people. I just think she looks fabulous and she is my favorite celebrity southern belle so I thought I would use the picture. Go on Ms. Phaedra with your bad self!

I may have said this before-maybe not- but I was raised in a military family. As such we never stayed anywhere too long and I don't have a "hometown" persae. I do, however, love and claim Montgomery Alabama as where I am "from" time to time. It was the place we lived the longest growing up (7 years is a long time in military time). I dearly miss my friends, adopted family and the Southern charm of nicesties. Nicesties (plural form of Nicesty-word popularized by singer Michel'le) are comments that seem nice on the surface but are totally nasty underneath. The kind of thing you hear a southern belle say and you immediately thank them but only realize on your way home she was being a total B!+¢#.

If you are unfamiliar with the Southern by personal experience, watch shows like Netflix's "House of Cards". The Southern have a way of delivering the most rude of comments in the prettiest package. I have gathered a few of my favorite "Southern Phrases" for your enjoyment.

1. Bless your heart- Seems sweet right? Wrong. What she is really saying is "You dumb misguided dunce". This seems like a well wish but it really translates to 10% pitty and 90% dumbass.

2. He's too big for his britches- really means he is in over his head or thinks too highly of himself.

3. Off like a herd of turtles- off to a slow start.

4. If brains were leather, s/he wouldn't have enough to saddle a June bug- You're and idiot.

5. I bet you could start an argument in an empty house- you argue too much.

6. She was happy as a dead pig in the sunshine- describes someone who is blissfully ignorant to what will ruin them.

7. Well, ain't that nothin'.- My grandmother used this one. She usually said it mid conversation while someone was bragging about something that she thought was dumb. She usually followed it up with a fake and painful looking smile.

8. Run with the big dogs or stay on the porch- get in, fit in, or get out. Also, probably said to someone who was too big for their britches if they hesitate when it's time to put your money where your mouth is (or back up what you are saying).

9. Why you're as useless as a screen door on a submarine- completely and utterly useless to the task at hand.

10. Her elevator don't go all the way to the top/ She's one fry short of a Happy Meal/ She's got a screw loose- She's nuts.

11. You look like you've been rode hard and hung up wet- You look bad- really bad.

12. That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull- You make no sense

13. She doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of- You're poor

14. Look, I bet she could eat corn through a picket fence- You have buck teeth

15. She was drunk as/drunker than Cooter Brown- This one took some research. Supposedly, Cooter Brown was a man that lived during the Civil War. He lived on or near the Mason-Dixon line and had family on both sides and he didn't want to fight in the Civil war. As a solution he just stayed drunk the entire time so he was deemed "unfit" for battle during the entire war. Whether he was real or not, the phrase stuck.

16. She's so tender faced- My grandfather uses this. Means she's ugly.

17. She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.- See #16

18. I’ll stomp a mudhole in his @ss and walk it dry.- I'll kick his butt from here to the Mississippi.

19. She wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight.- She can't fight or she is a coward. Also used by Jay-Z in 99 Problems.



Now on the other hand there are some things that are said that may sound bad but really are meant with kindness.

1. Your prettier than a pot of collards- What can I say Southern people like good food. If they compare you to good food, your pretty hot stuff.

2. She's finer than frog hair!- Ever see frog hair...that's because it's so fine.


.....yeah, unfortunately I only have two of the nice phrases. Feel free to add any that I forgot in the comments below!

The Faithful-of it.

I may have just a little too much faith in my abilities. I have decided that my new hobby will be sewing. This is something I've wanted to learn for quite sometime but never set aside the time to achieve. I am very excited.

...at the same time I am saying "what were you thinking Shan!". I went gung-ho on this one! I have no basic knowledge of reading patterns, fabric selection...let alone how to run a sewing machine yet I have purchased $65 worth of fabric, 20 patterns (in Burda Magazine-so it was only $14.00) and a sewing machine on ebay.com.  I don't know who told me I could do this but I am going in neck deep here!

Talley Forth!

Mrs. All American made an apperance at Motor Trend's International Auto Show

I am very excited to say that I made and appearance at Motor Trend's International Auto Show....what? You got that from the title? You are so insightful. Any who, here are the pictures!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Short post, I'm sleepy. GN.