Friday, March 14, 2014

Southern Slang Translated

Phaedra Parks- a Southern Belle- lookin sharp honey!
This post has nothing to do with Ms. Phaedra other than being about Southern people. I just think she looks fabulous and she is my favorite celebrity southern belle so I thought I would use the picture. Go on Ms. Phaedra with your bad self!

I may have said this before-maybe not- but I was raised in a military family. As such we never stayed anywhere too long and I don't have a "hometown" persae. I do, however, love and claim Montgomery Alabama as where I am "from" time to time. It was the place we lived the longest growing up (7 years is a long time in military time). I dearly miss my friends, adopted family and the Southern charm of nicesties. Nicesties (plural form of Nicesty-word popularized by singer Michel'le) are comments that seem nice on the surface but are totally nasty underneath. The kind of thing you hear a southern belle say and you immediately thank them but only realize on your way home she was being a total B!+¢#.

If you are unfamiliar with the Southern by personal experience, watch shows like Netflix's "House of Cards". The Southern have a way of delivering the most rude of comments in the prettiest package. I have gathered a few of my favorite "Southern Phrases" for your enjoyment.

1. Bless your heart- Seems sweet right? Wrong. What she is really saying is "You dumb misguided dunce". This seems like a well wish but it really translates to 10% pitty and 90% dumbass.

2. He's too big for his britches- really means he is in over his head or thinks too highly of himself.

3. Off like a herd of turtles- off to a slow start.

4. If brains were leather, s/he wouldn't have enough to saddle a June bug- You're and idiot.

5. I bet you could start an argument in an empty house- you argue too much.

6. She was happy as a dead pig in the sunshine- describes someone who is blissfully ignorant to what will ruin them.

7. Well, ain't that nothin'.- My grandmother used this one. She usually said it mid conversation while someone was bragging about something that she thought was dumb. She usually followed it up with a fake and painful looking smile.

8. Run with the big dogs or stay on the porch- get in, fit in, or get out. Also, probably said to someone who was too big for their britches if they hesitate when it's time to put your money where your mouth is (or back up what you are saying).

9. Why you're as useless as a screen door on a submarine- completely and utterly useless to the task at hand.

10. Her elevator don't go all the way to the top/ She's one fry short of a Happy Meal/ She's got a screw loose- She's nuts.

11. You look like you've been rode hard and hung up wet- You look bad- really bad.

12. That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull- You make no sense

13. She doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of- You're poor

14. Look, I bet she could eat corn through a picket fence- You have buck teeth

15. She was drunk as/drunker than Cooter Brown- This one took some research. Supposedly, Cooter Brown was a man that lived during the Civil War. He lived on or near the Mason-Dixon line and had family on both sides and he didn't want to fight in the Civil war. As a solution he just stayed drunk the entire time so he was deemed "unfit" for battle during the entire war. Whether he was real or not, the phrase stuck.

16. She's so tender faced- My grandfather uses this. Means she's ugly.

17. She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.- See #16

18. I’ll stomp a mudhole in his @ss and walk it dry.- I'll kick his butt from here to the Mississippi.

19. She wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight.- She can't fight or she is a coward. Also used by Jay-Z in 99 Problems.

Now on the other hand there are some things that are said that may sound bad but really are meant with kindness.

1. Your prettier than a pot of collards- What can I say Southern people like good food. If they compare you to good food, your pretty hot stuff.

2. She's finer than frog hair!- Ever see frog hair...that's because it's so fine.

.....yeah, unfortunately I only have two of the nice phrases. Feel free to add any that I forgot in the comments below!

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